The first time I ever heard about the concept of nonmonogamy was when I was dating Casino Guy, the last guy I dated before I met The Fiancee (more about him later). I briefly dated Casino Guy, named because he was a poker aficionado and worked at a casino. We really hit it off and had great chemistry. He was funny and charismatic, and shared my intellectual and nerdy side. We bonded over several mutual interests and experiences, including being raised with organized religion but having since left after growing into more liberal adults.

After a few dates, the last of which ended in some pretty amazing sex, we had the “Where is this going? What are we?” talk. He told me that he was really into me and felt like he wanted to start calling me his girlfriend, but first wanted to make sure we were on the same page about what we were looking for in a relationship. He told me that he practiced ethical nonmonogamy and hoped that I would be open to that kind of relationship. He cited a particularly high sex drive as well as a desire for new and exciting experiences as reasons he needed this kind of relationship.

I was taken aback… not only was this was not where I pictured that conversation going, but I had never heard of the relationship paradigm he was talking about. I had so many questions! I told him that I was not familiar with ethical nonmonogamy and needed to spend some time learning about what it was before I could make a decision about whether or not this was something I could agree to. But I wasn’t saying no, and I was definitely intrigued.

I spent the next few days seeking out resources about what nonmonogamy was all about so I could assess whether or not this was something I wanted. I read dozens of articles and discovered the Life on the Swingset podcast. I was a bit confused because there seemed to be many different versions of what ethical nonmonogamy looked like, some of which sounded okay and others seemed a bit weird. For example, I found myself surprisingly interested in the idea of swinging, having occasional flings on the side, or having threesome experiences together (one of my long-time fantasies)… all arrangements that allowed me to remain seemingly monogamous and traditional to the outside world. But when I read about triads and some forms of polyamory where more than one partner would all be living together in the same household, I was much less interested.

Having more information and a specific set of questions, I went back to Casino Guy for more information about what specifically he was looking for. He talked about a few of his past relationships and the paradigm he was used to: being in a fully committed relationship, but also being able to have sex with other people, which his partner would also be free to do. His ex-wife insisted on a “don’t ask, don’t tell” arrangement, but his preference was to communicate more with his partner. He said that he really wanted most of the things that characterize traditional monogamous relationships, even getting married, but with the freedom to have casual sex outside of the relationship. He seemed genuinely surprised that I was so curious and open-minded. I cautiously agreed to consider moving forward into a relationship with him.

In an anti-climactic ending to this chapter, we broke up shortly thereafter for reasons that had nothing to do with nonmonogamy. We lived several hours apart and had conflicting work schedules that didn’t allow us to see each other often. We were both passionate about our careers and neither of us were particularly open to relocating, especially for such a new relationship.

While this was only a brief relationship, it had the lasting impact of igniting a spark of curiosity in me. I had been in sex positive relationships before, but I still felt like there were experiences that I wanted to have. I used to think that having a threesome or exploring my bi-curiosity were things I had forever missed out on because I didn’t try them in my younger years. But I had become aware that maybe there were ways that I could have the committed, permanent relationship I longed for, while still having the room to explore my sexual curiosity.

Within a month, I met The Fiancee, which was a transition that I call “from the ridiculous to the sublime” because he was pretty much the antithesis of Casino Guy. But like I said, more about him later.